What About Your Own Kids?

I have had a couple of friends make very impassioned speeches (when they found out about my plans to donate a kidney) about how I have a responsibility to my kids, and my husband first, and that donating a kidney, is, well, when you get right down to it, SELFISH.  Especially to a stranger!!!

Regarding my husband: Mark did not want to think about me suffering.  He never mentioned his own suffering or any of his own needs that might not be met during this process.  He has been 100% supportive and understanding in his typical down to earth way. 

One friend made such an impassioned little speech that I think she forgot for a minute, that it was ME she was talking to. Me who knows the risks, who is careful to a fault and is very safe and healthy in all my practices!

Yes, the testing takes away some days off when I could have been (in theory) with the kids.  And this week, I was gone for two whole days and a night, though I was along for the ride to replace a tail light today (18 year old daughter: "I am totally scared to go to Jiffy Lube without you or Mark there!") and earlier this week was able to give a rousing lecture (repeat performance) on the concept of "Why it is not nice when someone gives an inch to take a mile" to my 10 year old.  I have listened to all of them for hours this week, as I have been a very captive audience. (I may not remember much of what was said those first few days post-op!)

I am sure my son, who was home from college when the surgery took place (yes, six long weeks off at Christmas break) was not exactly thrilled to have to be in the same zip code for the whole situation, but I doubt it damaged him too much.

In regards to my own health, I realize there are always risks with surgery.  I also realize that having one kidney is slightly less optimal than having two kidneys, though it does not make much difference in the lives of most people who donate.

I will be careful of my remaining kidney, just as I was careful of both of them for the past 44 years.  As a crime analyst who read literally thousands of assault reports over the years, I would give you the rough estimate of kidney injuries being about ten times rarer than brain bleeds.  Your body does a good job of keeping those kidneys protected, but your old melon is out in the open most of the time.  I promise to wear my seat belt always, just like I always have!

I think the important thing to consider is that we all have the right to take some risks with our bodies, and we do almost every day.  Some of us have taken other risks like going to third world countries, eating out on a regular basis, and running or walking in the dark!

The chances of my kids needing a kidney from me in the future are not great.  There is no kidney disease in our family. 

Many women leave their families to their own devices so that mom can participate in mission trips, girl trips, business trips, retreats and family reunions.  This can be a good thing for all involved.  Mom being away may not be top choice for kids, but it is part of growing up and part of the growing process.  My mom used to go on vacation with her cousins when I was growing up and I was never happy about it, but I think it set a good example for me, of my mom taking care of herself, of having other interests, and of nurturing relationships with people that may not live very close by.

The bottom line was for me that once I went through all the testing for Arnold, who certainly deserved a new lease on life, I was not a good match, and I hung around until they found a good match, who turned out to be a stranger.  My kids, all three of them, have asked me why I kept trying and I told them that the people that I see at the hospital, who are waiting for a kidney, all seem to be pretty deserving too, like the college kid from Denver University, and the lady farmer from Fruita, and everyone else who joked around with me while we waited to get our blood work done. Some of the joking was along the lines of "Please just give me your kidney, right now!"  The right thing for me to do, was to stick with it. 

My recipient, Albert, told me that he asked all the people, kind of on the sly, at the hospital, at the lab, and at the transplant team, if they could describe me in one word.  He said that all of them said "She is very determined" or "She is very stubborn".  Bravo!  What a good answer for him to hear!  

I think that my kids would say the same about me too.