My first story happened to me before I donated. I was walking the halls in Unnamed Police Department when a woman I did not know approached me. She explained that she had heard that I had tested to donate a kidney and that I was not able to donate to my co-worker due to antigens not being well matched, and that she had been told I was just waiting to donate to a "stranger". (Very few people knew that I was still trying to donate, so I was a little puzzled she would know.) I told her that was true. (And did not ask her who spilled the beans to her in such great detail but I have my handful of suspects!)
She questioned me if I knew when I would donate or what would happen and I told her that I did not know.... She then said "There is something I have to tell you!" and she weeped; (there is a lot of crying in these stories) as she told me how she had signed up to donate to a friend and that the transplant team, which I surmised was not in Colorado, had told her right away that she was not a good match, because she had the wrong blood type. She said they never offered her the opportunity to donate to anyone else. I explained to her that I did not know how long the altruistic donor program existed, nor did I know if anyone would suggest it....there are different ethical considerations.
She said she had been bothered for a long time by what had happened. I told her she might want to try again. I asked her if she thought about calling a hospital's transplant donor coordinator, and explaining the situation, and see what happens. She just stood there with tears rolling down her face, shaking her head. She said that she did not think it would be that simple. I did not know what to say to her, other than I think if you feel compelled to donate, you might have to make some phone calls. She said she could not bear it if they were dismissive like the first transplant program. Yes, you can bear it and you can make them understand, and you can make a list of all the hospitals to call....or Living Kidney Donor types of supports....but no one else can do it for you! Sometimes the hardest thing can be to take the first step.
My next story is similar: I received a text message from a former co-worker from a job even before the Unnamed Police Department. He texted "Is it okay for me to call you right now?" I texted back "Y" (is that Yes or Why?) and he immediately called. After some teasing about his asking for permission to call, he said he was worried I might be "cold and mean" to him. I told him that was and is a huge problem, with me, but I thought he could take it, and he laughed and said "I am embarrassed about what I want to talk to you about". It seems that years ago, in another state, he had the experience where he tested for a relative and did not get chosen to be the donor, though he was able to donate in general. He did not know why he was not chosen to be the donor.
An interesting side note, as I kind of run around in this donation circle, I have heard of cases where someone that needs a kidney has multiple people test to donate a kidney and the donor is chosen but the transplant team does not exactly spell out why other donors were ruled out to anyone involved. Our team did tell me why I was not chosen but they did not tell the recipient why I was not a good match. (Of course I told everyone that cared to hear about the reason I was not chosen!) You may not have the right to know details about the recipient and the other would-be donors, but it never hurts to find out what you can about the situation so you can learn what you can and make decisions about going forward in your life.
In that case, they did ask him if he would consider being an altruistic donor and he said that his immediate reaction was a big, emphatic NO. But after a while, he wondered if he had made a mistake, and now, several years later, he thinks he should have donated.
He said there was no reason at all for him to hear about my donation or even that the person that told him would offer him my contact information, but he believes it happened for a reason. He said "This is all very strange!" and he began to cry. (I am a big fat crybaby but I was dropping my jaw that he was crying!) He said that he talked to his kids about being a living donor and none of them knew what to say. One of his kids even said "I do not think you are humanitarian enough to donate!" (We did kind of giggle over that comment, as that particular child practically needed an Exorcist or to be Re-Programmed by the Marine Corps at one point, but has come around to be quite "nice" and "normal" now, though, the occasional Blunt Remark remains.)
He asked me if I thought that he was crazy? I told him yes and no, but also told him that other people will think that he is crazy and a little weird. Part of the donation situation is that people will think you are weird. That is okay. I am a lotta weird, as is everyone else, once you get to know them!
"Lots of other people will need to support you if you do this now, but in the end, it's your deal...no one else can do it for you."
He said that when he heard I did it, he remembered how I was always so practical and sensible, and busy with a family, in his memory of our working together years, mentioning how I brought my lunch everyday, (always a sign of the down to earth) and that if I could do it, or would do it, it probably was not that difficult. I told him that was exactly right. You just have to keep going to the doctor, doing what you have to do, and keep thinking it will eventually happen.
"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can."
My final story is about a dear friend that told me that the day of my surgery she decided to have tea at the Brown Palace and wait to hear from me when I woke up from the surgery. (It makes me happy to think that I have some classy friends and not just friends drinking beers over at the Biker Bar, though I love those friends too.) While she was waiting, another local socialite glamour queen joined her, (because they don't work, really, see, and can hang out drinking tea at Denver's Historical Landmarks) who knows me, but not very well. My buddy said that her friend told her that she just cannot imagine that anyone would donate to a stranger, that "the spouse" would allow it (there was even some mention of "Who Makes Dinner If Mama Donates"?) or that Laura, who is Not Exactly A Church Lady, (she quickly included that they both know I am a Christian, however) who makes a joke about everything...would do such a thing!
(Go back and try to say this in the half clenched classy lady way..."Lovey, I cannot even imagine who would make dinner for that DARLING FAMILY if Laura was down after THAT KIND OF SURGERY!")
Okay, they really do not talk that way(all that much)....but it is hilarious, Lovey!
She said she explained to Classy Lady Number Two how I tested for a friend and it had not worked out and so I kept trying to be a donor. Classy Lady Number Two thought it made sense, to go ahead and donate after all those tests.
( Clench Teeth like Mrs. Howell: "Once they take more blood from you than a chupacabra would, and put that Contrast Through Your System, Buffy, you might as well GO ALL THE WAY and just give them that kidney that you now have Color Photos Of!")
All right, all right, this is what she really said: "It is the most pragmatic thing in the world to give someone something they need so badly, but getting to the point of considering it, that is what is impossible for most of us."
That sums it up! BUT it is not impossible. It is not for everyone, or even most people, but it is not impossible, especially with the right kind of support, which is available. We can all stand on the side of people who need our support in anything they feel they are supposed to do, whether it is run for PTO or lose weight, or switch jobs. If there is one lesson I have learned, is that it is never okay to be a stealer of dreams or a robber of beliefs. (That is as fancy as it gets with the words around here. Relax.) Be the kind of friend, or spouse, or mom or dad that believes in people. Be that kind of friend to yourself.
If you are considering donating or have a friend or relative that is considering being a living donor, remember there are plenty of naysayers.... It is a subject we do not all automatically know everything about, and it is always scary to think about surgery and medical procedures. But not impossible!
"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."
Thank you beautiful friends for reading my blog. I love you!
http://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/
Love your stories/blog, love you. Awesome!! :)))
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